I have a list of people whom I’d love to have tea with…
- Tara Brach (for advice on life and meditation)
- Cheryl Richardson (to pick her brain about self-care and coaching)
- Jen Kirkman (I think she’d be hilarious to talk to)
And, of course, Brené Brown. I believe her work on shame is some of the most fascinating research and I’m so grateful to her for bringing this conversation to light.
In case you’re not already familiar with Brené, she is a research professor and has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. (Her Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability is definitely worth watching!) I believe that our emotional, mental, and spiritual health is just as important as taking care of our physical body so I wanted to share more about one of Brené Brown’s books, I Thought It Was Just Me, because I think the topic of shame is relevant to all of us.
It’s hard to share about Brené’s work without being vulnerable myself so I’ll open up here and say that when I discovered her work about five years ago, I became aware of how much shame I carried. In this book she describes shame in multiple ways, but one of the most powerful ones that stuck with me is that “shame is like a prison. But a prison that you deserve to be in because something’s wrong with you.”
Wow. I can’t tell you how much years I spent feeling ashamed because of the shape of my body, my skin color, the way I dressed, the way my hair looked, how much money I made/didn’t make, how many friends I had/didn’t have, my career path, etc. For many years I beat myself up inside because it all came back to the feeling that there was something wrong with me. When I was younger, I know that my shame was the reason I chose to isolate myself and refrain from making friends so it hit a deep personal note to see this spelled out in her book: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection.”
So, what can we do to counter shame? The answer lies in practicing empathy and compassion with ourselves and others. It means softening instead of hardening. It involves seeing our vulnerabilities and realizing that our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses; they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open because we’re all in this together.
Over the past few years I’ve worked hard to move past my shame by practicing self-care and learning to finally accept myself (flaws and all!). This has also lead me to cultivate a supportive, loving community around me and create relationships in my life where it’s okay to be vulnerable. After all, vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
I’ll end with this final thought from the book: “When we tell our stories, we change the world. I know that sounds dramatic, but I believe it.”
I hope that in sharing Brené’s book and my experiences here that it will impact others and encourage you to practice small acts of vulnerability and courage.
If this interests you, you can find I Thought It Was Just Me (as well as Brené’s other books) on Amazon and many local bookstores.
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